Today I created a blog that tells the world about my best kept secret….
I’m a binge eater.
For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid to let myself be anything less than perfect. I have done everything and anything to exceed every expectation and ideal. I have been single-minded to the point of recklessness, and it has gotten me very far.
A little over a year ago, I became “imperfect.” I was lost, broke, empty and basically living out of my car. I couldn’t understand how a 4.0 perfectionist who won the Women’s Legacy Award in college and did everything right could get here. And thus, my relationship with both food and myself took a dark, hideous turn. I started binging as a way to numb what I later found out was heightened GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). Asking for help never even crossed my mind. The world could not know I was flawed. It went against everything I had worked so hard for.
So I played my highlight reel, shut the world out and worked to fix it. I applied to graduate school, took on another job and moved. And for a brief time, I did fix it. I stopped binging. I found happiness in my new path and purpose. I went out with friends and enjoyed just being 25. I don’t think I’ve ever just enjoyed being in my entire life.
But this too was fleeting. Again I found myself working two jobs, going to school full time, and still coming up short. Binging became something I did to escape my own mind. The same mind that constantly tells me I’m not good enough. I should be fitter, prettier, thinner, smarter, more accomplished….
While I fully believe that a huge part of my recovery is owning the fact that I have BED (Binge Eating Disorder), I refuse to let it define me. I hope this blog serves as not only an outlet for me, but also as a platform for others struggling to find even a single ounce of worth in their being.
Let’s conquer this together.