Own Who You Are

Today I created a blog that tells the world about my best kept secret….

I’m a binge eater.

For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid to let myself be anything less than perfect. I have done everything and anything to exceed every expectation and ideal. I have been single-minded to the point of recklessness, and it has gotten me very far.

A little over a year ago, I became “imperfect.” I was lost, broke, empty and basically living out of my car. I couldn’t understand how a 4.0 perfectionist who won the Women’s Legacy Award in college and did everything right could get here. And thus, my relationship with both food and myself took a dark, hideous turn. I started binging as a way to numb what I later found out was heightened GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). Asking for help never even crossed my mind. The world could not know I was flawed. It went against everything I had worked so hard for.

So I played my highlight reel, shut the world out and worked to fix it. I applied to graduate school, took on another job and moved. And for a brief time, I did fix it. I stopped binging. I found happiness in my new path and purpose. I went out with friends and enjoyed just being 25. I don’t think I’ve ever just enjoyed being in my entire life.

But this too was fleeting. Again I found myself working two jobs, going to school full time, and still coming up short. Binging became something I did to escape my own mind. The same mind that constantly tells me I’m not good enough. I should be fitter, prettier, thinner, smarter, more accomplished….

While I fully believe that a huge part of my recovery is owning the fact that I have BED (Binge Eating Disorder), I refuse to let it define me. I hope this blog serves as not only an outlet for me, but also as a platform for others struggling to find even a single ounce of worth in their being.

Let’s conquer this together.

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2 thoughts on “Own Who You Are

  1. I have never replied to a blog or post before but I saw this and well, here I go!…

    You and I share the exact same challenge and secret…I’ve never told anyone about my history – and the occasional resurfacing – of BED. It is an all-consuming, lonely, and dehumanizing experience to be in the trenches with BED. Been there. Still go there from time to time. I have created this construct for myself in the wake of my recovery and it affects every single day I wake up and night I go to bed – It is a cumbersome to say, I call it “superwoman-ing” I see my day as a checklist for perfection. I must… 1. get in at least 45 min to an hour long workout 2. AVOID ALL BREAD, ALWAYS. 3. Be a social leader 4. Always be ‘ON’ at work (I work with a predominantly male office and being ‘off’ means, in my head, being weak. 5. Be thin, fit, glowy, an inspiration of health to others, never straying too far from my high school weight (so unrealistic, it makes me laugh) 6. Pour over my schoolwork until late late at night and enhance my vocabulary so I can stand out as an academic, the first to get through higher education in my family, gotta succeed, gotta get As, be the smartest. So I put myself in this ‘pressure cooker’ each day to be superwoman. I need to give 110% with everything on that list….I count the calories, check the reflection, binge on fit instagram models to motivate myself for each day where I wake up with the same exhausting agenda.

    I think one of the most difficult lessons I have learned about myself is that even though I am SO introspective and in touch with my emotional health, I still will find myself in dark places. Feeling helpless, feeling lost, and feeling ashamed. Food will never be just food to me and with help, I have come to accept that…but it took a LONG time to get that help and come to that acceptance.

    Celebrate your beauty inside and out, Cass. I follow your accounts and captions and photos. I am well versed in highlight reels and the role social media plays with accountability and self esteem. You should know though, that your words are reaching people in a positive way. I appreciate your honesty and I am humbled by your story and I don’t feel so alone in what I have been through. I’d love to chat more about this sometime and know I am here if you ever want an objective listener to what you’re going through.
    xox

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for being so brave and sharing that with me. This disorder effects more people than I ever imagined. The more I open up about it (and this took me over a year), the more people I personally know who are or were at one point effected by it. You and so many others give me hope that I can overcome this because most days, it feels like a dark tunnel with no way out. My entire life, I’ve been able to fix everything, but I cannot fix this alone. I’ve tried and failed many many times. What I have come to realize is that it takes an army. I truly cannot thank you enough for being vulnerable and I would love to chat anytime.

    Like

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