Current date and time? Saturday 12:27 AM. Current emotions? Disgust, guilt, despair…
Free flow: Despite the fact that every single week I binge less and less, the feelings that pour over me when I do remain the same. I’m a failure. I’ll never fix this. I’m weak. I repulse myself so therefore I must repulse others.
Current date and time? Sunday 1:54 PM. Current emotions? Strong, resilient, positive…
Free flow: After binging last night (which was more of a conscious decision than I care to admit, I slept until 11:24 AM (I NEVER do this).) I originally planned on sleeping ALL day in an attempt to escape the repercussions of my binge and food in general, but then I saw that the sun was shinning and pulled myself out of bed. On my way to get my Starbucks 1% latte that I literally cannot function without, I realized that it was THE perfect Sunday, my favorite day. I could not waste it laying in bed, feeling sorry for myself.
This past week I had made progress, the kind that does not immediately show up in the mirror or on the scale, but is critical to my recovery nonetheless. Every single silent step is movement in the right direction–whether it’s one less night of binging or one more workout. So after a little encouragement from a friend, I laced up my sneakers and ran my heart out (check out the view above). And I just might clip in and ride my heart out in a few hours as well.
I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I give myself credit for…as an athlete, a student, an employee, and a person. The day I stopped letting BED take over my life is the first day I practiced self-forgiveness. If you’ve ever watched Silver Linings Playbook, you may recall when Tiffany says to Pat, “I was a big slut, but I’m not anymore. There will always be a part of me that is sloppy and dirty, but I like that, just like all the other parts of myself. I can forgive. Can you say the same for yourself, fucker? Can you forgive? Are you capable of that?”
Just like Tiffany, there will always be parts of me that are sloppy and dirty, but I have to learn to like those parts of myself or I will never win this battle and so today, I choose forgiveness.