Most of the time, things that are worth doing are either massively inconvenient, exhausting or terrifying. For this reason, most people live a mundane life with lots of day dreams. Personally, I chase that pit my stomach. I chase chaos. And I chase evolution. I constantly feel the need to grow myself. I’ll never live the same year twice, but that’s just me. It took me a long long time to understand this about myself. Growing up, I did everything “right” so that I could ended up with a degree that would be the gateway to “a better life.”
Now I understand that there is no formula to obtaining “a better life.” Even when you do everything right, life bitch slaps you in the face. You have to recoil, regain your grounding and move forward. Again and again and again. I wish I could say that I’d be happy if I was handed this so called “better life”–the post-grad 9 to 5 job, a steady boyfriend who would be proposing in a year (HA), an apartment in my favorite city, no college debt and friends who I met for happy hour every Friday. The truth is, I wouldn’t be happy with that life. Not now anyways. I’m easily bored. I can barely find a guy who is even worth a second date. I had a desk job and looking back now, was quite possibly the gateway between occasional drinking binges (WHO doesn’t do this in their 20s?) and a full on binging disorder. How can I know my favorite city at 25?
The riskier the opportunity, the more appealing it is to me–and this next one, is absolutely horrifying. It guarantees failure, but also tremendous growth and self-flourishing. I can’t imagine a week without binging until I picture myself in this next chapter and then I can’t even imagine binging period. A image so profound to my illness that my therapist would have a field day with me. Single minded to the point of recklessness. That’s me. But tell me, who doesn’t want a chance to reinvent themselves and the world around them? Actually…a lot of people.