Just recently I came to understand that in the past I never fully recovered because I never actually faced the anxieties I was escaping from with food. My reason for binging is not the same as anyone else’s and it’s important for my fellow bingers to understand this. Some binge as revenge, some for biological reasons (more common with starvation), some for control, some to escape….the list goes on. My biggest challenge is learning how to ride out moments where I may feel unsafe, uncomfortable and unhappy–and it’s a f**king challenge. Last week I went 6 days without binging and let me tell you, I felt like an absolute boss. This week I was less successful.
A couple of sessions ago, my therapist explained that we can never stay in any one state for a prolonged period of time–be it hungry, angry, scared, anxious, etc. These waves of emotions eventually do pass and so we wondered why I subconsciously concluded the only way I could escape them was through food? It seems so irrational and yet, in those moments I don’t feel that I truly possess any control over my thoughts or actions. My approach for the next few weeks is timing how long I can sit with these feelings before I succumb to binging. Maybe it’s 20 minutes or 5 hours. Maybe I still binge or maybe I don’t at all. I don’t know. What I do know is that the only chance we ever have at success is simply to try.
So that brings me to the idea of the wave. I’m not a surfer. I’ve never even been on a board or that deep in the ocean for that matter (unless I was in a boat). BUT, I’ve watched enough movies to know that at the end of every wave is sunlight and if you ask a surfer, euphoria.