If you’ve followed this blog over the past year, you know I’m nothing but adaptive–and here is yet another adaptation to the world of Cass. In six months, I will pack up my Jeep and drive across the country to end up in sunny San Diego. Do I currently have a job out there waiting? Nope. Do I know where I am going to live? I know the general area. Do I know if I’ll have enough money to make the move? LOL. Do I know people out there? A few.
Here’s what I do know: I know that I’m going to finish my masters at San Diego State University. I know that I can find jobs (yes, plural) pretty easily. I know you meet new people every day. And I know life’s biggest rewards come from doing things that scare the shit out of you.
I am fully aware that I’m bat shit crazy….but life isn’t meant to be lived in one place, or in my case, on one coast.
AND….I am also going to be transitioning this blog away from binge eating recovery and into a lifestyle blog. I will still include fitness and health because they are a part of my life, but here you will also find fashion, travel, photography, and more! I would love some feedback on this. What would you like to see in 2018?
SUPER excited to share my journey to my very first half-marathon or 13.1 mile race. While I have always been a runner–and by that I mean incorporated it into my fitness plan–I usually don’t log more than 6-7 miles. I will be sharing some of my weekly training plans, as well as some diet snapshots and anything else you guys want to know!
This week I am running a total of 5 times. That leaves two days for recovery, which is extremely important to any training. Continuous physical stress causes “micro-damage to the body’s tissues,” which can be problematic without adequate rest. I also suffer from Iliotibial Band Syndrome (ITBS) so I HAVE to take these breaks and weight train instead (more on that later). Additionally, research shows that recovery actually increases performance, prevents mental and physical burnout and allows you to train consistently.
Here is a snapshot of this weeks training plan:
The varying training times are not for any specific reason. That’s just when my schedule allows me to run. However, I do generally find that I perform better in the morning on an empty stomach–everyone is different. Post-run I am refueling with 35-40 g carbohydrate and 12-15 g protein to “repair, restore and replete” (roughly 200-250 calories).
Wish me luck!!!!!!
Just recently I came to understand that in the past I never fully recovered because I never actually faced the anxieties I was escaping from with food. My reason for binging is not the same as anyone else’s and it’s important for my fellow bingers to understand this. Some binge as revenge, some for biological reasons (more common with starvation), some for control, some to escape….the list goes on. My biggest challenge is learning how to ride out moments where I may feel unsafe, uncomfortable and unhappy–and it’s a f**king challenge. Last week I went 6 days without binging and let me tell you, I felt like an absolute boss. This week I was less successful.
A couple of sessions ago, my therapist explained that we can never stay in any one state for a prolonged period of time–be it hungry, angry, scared, anxious, etc. These waves of emotions eventually do pass and so we wondered why I subconsciously concluded the only way I could escape them was through food? It seems so irrational and yet, in those moments I don’t feel that I truly possess any control over my thoughts or actions. My approach for the next few weeks is timing how long I can sit with these feelings before I succumb to binging. Maybe it’s 20 minutes or 5 hours. Maybe I still binge or maybe I don’t at all. I don’t know. What I do know is that the only chance we ever have at success is simply to try.
So that brings me to the idea of the wave. I’m not a surfer. I’ve never even been on a board or that deep in the ocean for that matter (unless I was in a boat). BUT, I’ve watched enough movies to know that at the end of every wave is sunlight and if you ask a surfer, euphoria.
wanted to start this week by having the weight talk. It’s very common to believe that you need to reach a certain weight to be “healthy” or attractive. However, healthy looks different on everyone.
As a perfectionist, we live by things that are black and white: a grade on a paper, a trophy, a ranking at work; and a number on a scale. Those concrete objects that we let define us. I personally struggle with goals that don’t have clear success objectives. I want to know how my success is determined and what accomplishment looks like.
In therapy, I’m working on adjusting my perfectionist expectations. It terms of weight….I’ll know I’ve reached the “best” one when I’m no longer binging and focused on my life, rather than my body.
This week I challenge you to cut back on how often you weigh yourself and instead focus on how you feel. What does it look like to feel good? Write that shit down. Take note of it. Re-cultivate that environment and repeat. This is a journey to freedom and it’s uncomfortable at first. But that’s okay.
I’ve been “dieting” for as long as I can remember. Not in a chasing the latest “fad diet” way, but restricting and labeling foods. I crave control, which is ironic because binging is the most out of control experience. It’s the only time I don’t have complete control over my body and mind. Over the past year, I’ve gone months without binging. I’ve also spent weeks binging. Never fully recovered….but distracting myself enough to appear so–carefully placing band-aids if you will. My recent job triggers this cycle weekly. It’s a constant roller coaster of emotions and I’m left laying flat on my face feeling hopeless and defeated once again. Fortunately I never stay down for long so here I am, back in therapy and back sharing my journey to freedom with you.
This morning I was listening to a podcast about Intuitive Eating that inspired 3 days of telling dieting to go fuck itself (Intuitive Eating Principle #1). If you’re a chronic dieter, this might sound absolutely horrifying. Personally, I’ve reached a point where I’m willing to try just about anything. And I was curious. What would happen if I just ate what I wanted? And what does that even look like? I reasoned that anyone could do something for a day. And on day two, you only have one more day to go. Surely, I was strong enough to do this.
On Saturday morning, I will share the entire experience. By Sunday, I hope to be onto Principle #2: Honor Your Hunger.
Most of the time, things that are worth doing are either massively inconvenient, exhausting or terrifying. For this reason, most people live a mundane life with lots of day dreams. Personally, I chase that pit my stomach. I chase chaos. And I chase evolution. I constantly feel the need to grow myself. I’ll never live the same year twice, but that’s just me. It took me a long long time to understand this about myself. Growing up, I did everything “right” so that I could ended up with a degree that would be the gateway to “a better life.”
Now I understand that there is no formula to obtaining “a better life.” Even when you do everything right, life bitch slaps you in the face. You have to recoil, regain your grounding and move forward. Again and again and again. I wish I could say that I’d be happy if I was handed this so called “better life”–the post-grad 9 to 5 job, a steady boyfriend who would be proposing in a year (HA), an apartment in my favorite city, no college debt and friends who I met for happy hour every Friday. The truth is, I wouldn’t be happy with that life. Not now anyways. I’m easily bored. I can barely find a guy who is even worth a second date. I had a desk job and looking back now, was quite possibly the gateway between occasional drinking binges (WHO doesn’t do this in their 20s?) and a full on binging disorder. How can I know my favorite city at 25?
The riskier the opportunity, the more appealing it is to me–and this next one, is absolutely horrifying. It guarantees failure, but also tremendous growth and self-flourishing. I can’t imagine a week without binging until I picture myself in this next chapter and then I can’t even imagine binging period. A image so profound to my illness that my therapist would have a field day with me. Single minded to the point of recklessness. That’s me. But tell me, who doesn’t want a chance to reinvent themselves and the world around them? Actually…a lot of people.
I read an article today by a fellow writer and Millennial, Ryan O’Connell that concluded with, “the thing I love most about my generation—and something that rarely gets recognized—is that we’re fucking hustlers. We make it work. We get that money. We’re innovative and resourceful.” FINALLY someone is giving credit where credit is due. He went on, “the odds may be stacked against us and yet we still find a way to triumph. I’m really getting tired of the coverage of Millennials being so one-sided. Everyone harps on how terrible and screwed up we are without recognizing all of the people who get shit on day in and day out at their so-called dream job and still power through. Bitch please.”
For the other half of the Millennials who aren’t handed keys to a BMW, a 100K starting salary and an apartment on 2nd ave–those of us who aren’t handed a fucking thing–being 20-something is nothing short of an off-kilter balancing act. We try to maintain our social life, meeting in coffee shops and spilling beers over happy hour. We slave at an underpaid job with the promise of moving up “eventually.” We go to graduate school and take out more loans because our first degree isn’t enough. Nothing is anymore. We get a second job so we can afford a 2 by 4 apartment (if we’re lucky) and more importantly, prevent going bankrupt. And when a better opportunity presents itself, we take it and are criticized for being confused or indecisive.
The reality is we do whatever we have to. We sleep less and work more. We sacrifice friendships and relationships to pursue a career that we aren’t even sure we want anymore. We pick up and change the job and life we just become accustomed to because opportunity awaits and we can’t afford to pass it up. We do all this because we have to. We’re resilient if nothing else. So to my fellow Millennials, who are underappreciated, underpaid and overworked, keep slaying. Our 30’s have to be better right?